Saturday, December 18, 2004
Celebrity is as celebrity does
Being home at Ahmedabad during the holidays means a lot to me. I get to catch up on my reading, my sleep and most important of all – Home Grub (I cannot stress enough on this (I have nightmares of mess food sometimes (Hey, I used nested brackets (Hey, I used them again…)))… ∞). There’s one drawback though. Having to wake up in the morning and drink that wonderful piping hot coffee only to stare at what in my humble opinion is the most useless newspaper ever – The Times Of India.
Yeah, I meant that, all you ToI fans (who even go to the extent of buying the previous day’s ToI in Chennai). You’re welcome to disagree of course, but pray do read this post and the next one completely to get what I mean. The inadequate news coverage, the shabby outlook (Read the Hindu for a nice contrast), the excessive advertisements, a really bad crossie on weekdays… I could go on and on. Though I must admit that my viewpoint is somewhat prejudiced after reading the Hindu for some six years now. Before you can say Bhajpa, let me tell you that I am not a political person and have no comments whatsoever to make on any newspaper’s political leanings.
So after some really pointless asides, I finally get back why I dislike ToI so much apart from the reasons I mentioned earlier. Because it is almost like a tabloid due to its painful predilection towards gossip. And I’m sure you know what kind of gossip I’m talking about – the celebrity kind. At first, it used to amuse me. But now it just irritates the hell out of me. And ToI devotes at least two whole pages to it. Not to mention the various snippets that are scattered about in the paper, especially the ones classified innocuously as ‘International News’ (Britney Spears staying in some arbit hotel… Puhleeeese!)
This irritation culminated on the 17th of December 2004. And so on that day, Camembert Cheddar was born…
SAY CHEESE!
Deep in the unused tunnels of the old subway system under the Big Apple lies a chamber with a strange mural painted inside.
Untouched for aeons, until 1955 when an unfortunate photographer wanted to take a crapper at the subway station and accidentally stumbled upon it. The mural, was of the Norse God of mischief, Loki. Now the photographer, Mr. Woodin knew not what to make of such a sign – but in his infinite denseness saw this as message to spread havoc and chaos all over the earth. And thus, the International Paparazzi Organization (IPO) was started. (The name speaks a lot about his creativity)
Anyway, after that little history lesson (pretty much filler material actually), we get back to the 89th floor of the Vauxhalla building in Los Angeles, where Bosseidon, the present CEO of the IPO was MIA. And therefore in charge was his secretary, the snarling guardian of the CEO’s office, Celeberus. He presently looked up from beyond the terminal of Argus, the supercomputer which kept track of every celebrity listed in the database to see McYuri stroll inside languidly.
McYuri was part-Russian, part-Irish and one of the top celebrity gossip writers of the Fifth Estate as the IPO liked to call itself and its brethren (though some of the world’s self-respecting newspapers often referred to it as the Filth Estate). Much of this reputation was thanks to McYuri or Der Puffer, as he was also known, due to his significant corpulence, fishy activities and the extremely poisonous scoops he was responsible - for these usually reminded one of a bloated species of pisces residing in the Great Barrier Reef. However all his vitriol generally evaporated when confronted by Celeberus.
“What are you upto, you lazy maggot? Shouldn’t you be at work today, you procrastinating pufferfish!” shouted Celeberus.
“Er… I was going to but…”
“But what? You worm, I don’t want your pathetic excuses! Now let’s see… Aha, number 1 in demand… Today and for the last one year or so. Camembert Cheddar,” said Celeberus. “The guy’s a living enigma! We don’t have anything on him on our files here! Now locate him and get some dirt on him, pronto!”
“Y-yes, Sir! I’ll do that right away, Sir and please enjoy your coffee,” said McYuri bowing and exiting at the same time.
“Coffee! Of course!” exclaimed Celeberus. He picked up the intercom. “Three cups of coffee along with those Pedigree biscuits! And make it snappy, ya ineffectual bozo! Or I’ll have your job for this!”
(to be continued)
******************************************************************************
Yeah, I meant that, all you ToI fans (who even go to the extent of buying the previous day’s ToI in Chennai). You’re welcome to disagree of course, but pray do read this post and the next one completely to get what I mean. The inadequate news coverage, the shabby outlook (Read the Hindu for a nice contrast), the excessive advertisements, a really bad crossie on weekdays… I could go on and on. Though I must admit that my viewpoint is somewhat prejudiced after reading the Hindu for some six years now. Before you can say Bhajpa, let me tell you that I am not a political person and have no comments whatsoever to make on any newspaper’s political leanings.
So after some really pointless asides, I finally get back why I dislike ToI so much apart from the reasons I mentioned earlier. Because it is almost like a tabloid due to its painful predilection towards gossip. And I’m sure you know what kind of gossip I’m talking about – the celebrity kind. At first, it used to amuse me. But now it just irritates the hell out of me. And ToI devotes at least two whole pages to it. Not to mention the various snippets that are scattered about in the paper, especially the ones classified innocuously as ‘International News’ (Britney Spears staying in some arbit hotel… Puhleeeese!)
This irritation culminated on the 17th of December 2004. And so on that day, Camembert Cheddar was born…
SAY CHEESE!
Deep in the unused tunnels of the old subway system under the Big Apple lies a chamber with a strange mural painted inside.
Untouched for aeons, until 1955 when an unfortunate photographer wanted to take a crapper at the subway station and accidentally stumbled upon it. The mural, was of the Norse God of mischief, Loki. Now the photographer, Mr. Woodin knew not what to make of such a sign – but in his infinite denseness saw this as message to spread havoc and chaos all over the earth. And thus, the International Paparazzi Organization (IPO) was started. (The name speaks a lot about his creativity)
Anyway, after that little history lesson (pretty much filler material actually), we get back to the 89th floor of the Vauxhalla building in Los Angeles, where Bosseidon, the present CEO of the IPO was MIA. And therefore in charge was his secretary, the snarling guardian of the CEO’s office, Celeberus. He presently looked up from beyond the terminal of Argus, the supercomputer which kept track of every celebrity listed in the database to see McYuri stroll inside languidly.
McYuri was part-Russian, part-Irish and one of the top celebrity gossip writers of the Fifth Estate as the IPO liked to call itself and its brethren (though some of the world’s self-respecting newspapers often referred to it as the Filth Estate). Much of this reputation was thanks to McYuri or Der Puffer, as he was also known, due to his significant corpulence, fishy activities and the extremely poisonous scoops he was responsible - for these usually reminded one of a bloated species of pisces residing in the Great Barrier Reef. However all his vitriol generally evaporated when confronted by Celeberus.
“What are you upto, you lazy maggot? Shouldn’t you be at work today, you procrastinating pufferfish!” shouted Celeberus.
“Er… I was going to but…”
“But what? You worm, I don’t want your pathetic excuses! Now let’s see… Aha, number 1 in demand… Today and for the last one year or so. Camembert Cheddar,” said Celeberus. “The guy’s a living enigma! We don’t have anything on him on our files here! Now locate him and get some dirt on him, pronto!”
“Y-yes, Sir! I’ll do that right away, Sir and please enjoy your coffee,” said McYuri bowing and exiting at the same time.
“Coffee! Of course!” exclaimed Celeberus. He picked up the intercom. “Three cups of coffee along with those Pedigree biscuits! And make it snappy, ya ineffectual bozo! Or I’ll have your job for this!”
(to be continued)
******************************************************************************
# posted by Ashish : 12:01 am
Comments:
<< Home
try timesofindia.com its worse. It doesnt deserve to call itself "times of India"...at the best it is "Page 3 of india". Anyways who wants to read good columns r edits these days.
Indian express is pretty good...Hindu is kind of one sided politically...you should know which side if u have been readin it long enuff
Indian express is pretty good...Hindu is kind of one sided politically...you should know which side if u have been readin it long enuff
Well I've always been more of a Hindu reader... and I really don't care towards whom the editor is politically leaning. As long as the news is there, without those awful puns in the headlines.
Post a Comment
<< Home
