Monday, December 20, 2004
The continuing story of Camembert Cheddar
(Don’t read this post unless you’ve read the one before this)
And so, our swift reporter soon reached the swank locality of Caerphilly and positioned himself right behind the rear wall of Camembert’s sprawling mansion – Das Käsehaus. He took out his half-chewed graphic pen and PDA. After looking around for a while he saw a brick in the wall which was very different from the others, due to it’s light orange colour. A closer look revealed several of them, clustered together. McYuri (aka the Puffer) started scribbling:
“The star of the ‘highly acclaimed’ Mega Monster series, may be a ‘perfectionist’ on screen, but can be pretty sloppy off it. The rear wall of his mansion, littered with discoloured bricks is a standing example of this. Further investigation revealed that he had crashed into this wall in his Chevre after a night of especially wild drinking and hence the hasty repair job, before people got too curious. But couldn’t hide it from us, could you Cheddie ol’ boy?”
The Puffer was looking intently at the nearby poster. It was for the sequel to Big Bad Computer Generated Monsters 2 (BBCGM 2), titled ‘BBCGM 4: Did we forget something?’ The Puffer was trying to figure out why the poster was bothering him when he heard the grating sound of gates being opened.
The lean, muscled figure of Camembert Cheddar emerged from the august rear-gates of the Käsehaus. A small stray dog followed him, and was in turn followed closely by that Sultan of scandal, McYuri. The Puffer wrote:
“Camembert Cheddar is known for fighting horrendous monsters onscreen, but offscreen he’s a bit of a softie actually. Only this morning he was spotted playing along with an exotic Chinese dog of the Cheesehuahua species. In retrospect, it kind of fits his ‘dogged’ image, doesn’t it?”
“Walk along, Cheddie boy. I’m just getting warmed up,” whispered the Puffer.
Camembert walked along Farmstead Avenue for a mile or so until he reached a small rowhouse. He opened the gates and walked in nonchalantly. A blonde petite woman rushed out, let out a small scream and jumped right into his arms smothering his face with kisses. Camembert was only too eager to reciprocate.
The crown prince of gossip nearly dropped his PDA in his excitement and started puffing his cheeks in and out. Like a predator, he edged closer and closer slowly moving in for the kill. Camembert and the woman walked into the house and shut the door.
McYuri quickly unsheathed his secret weapon, the same one that had brought many a celebrity down to his/her knees, begging forgiveness – the super-slomo-high-fidelity-mega-zoom camera. And he had a really advanced one too. It could sneak around corners and was even rumoured to take photographs through concrete walls. The Puffer, however wanted a clear shot catching Camembert in the act. He looked at the back of his camera and chuckled quietly at the irony of the camera’s high fidelity feature, when it had been responsible for so many instances of infidelity, even when none existed.
Shocking news!!! (which you expected all along anyway)
Camembert Cheddar, the star of the greatest romantic epics of our era such as Faithfully Yours and Till Death Do Us Part, was surprisingly caught in an intimate embrace followed by an afternoon of marathon love-making with an unidentified woman. This was followed by a sauna, a shower, and some other unspeakable activities, which our highly moral newspaper cannot print (‘cos we’ve run out of paper and ideas).
The small messages in the brackets were McYuri’s personal comments, which would obviously be deleted in the main article. He needed a photograph now and that doyen of daredevil photography was considering the ways he could get into the house. He saw a weedy, dishevelled tramp shuffling along the road and stopped him.
“Hey! Hey you! D’you know who lives here?” asked McYuri.
“Go screw yourself, you stupid dork!” said the tramp, clearly not in a helpful mood as he trudged away down the road.
“Hmm, must be one of those out-of-work actors. Anyway, let’s see…” thought the Puffer. Of course! He appended a few lines to the earlier piece.
“They’ve been at it like rabbits for some two years now. Wonder what poor Brie Cheddar will think,” said a friend, under condition of anonymity. “Bertie is a good and faithful human being and he sincerely wants to be a good husband, but he regrets that it’s not possible any longer. He still says that he loves Brie from the very bottom of his heart, but the rest of his heart has already been pledged to someone else,” said a close family friend. He added that the unidentified woman happened to be the love interest of up and coming star, Stephen Dork.”
Now, the story looked complete – except for the photograph. McYuri scouted all around the house and slowly started to scale the wall. He was nearly at the top when his cellphone rang loudly startling him. He fell off the wall and landed violently on his posterior.
“You blasted sonova*****! I was about to take the Pulitzer winner when you toppled me!”
“Oh, really?” came the low growl of Celeberus from the other end.
“Uh, I mean… I was… er… That bloody um… tramp, that stupid fool! I was scolding him… stupid people really…”
“Stop your dilly-dallying, you nimcompoop! What are you doing in Caerphilly?” hollered Celeberus, causing the McYuri to hold the cellphone one-foot away from his ear. “Cheddar is shooting his latest movie at Alpine Gulch! And you, being the halfwit that you are! Trying to get insignificant awards like the Pulitzer! What are you photographing? Mould growing on cheese?”
“That’s impossible! Cheddar is right here! I’ve got a big scoop already. Cheddar in an extramarital affair! In broad daylight with this dishy looking broad!”
At that exact moment, the man whom the Puffer was following, walked out of the house. “Don’t forget your chef’s hat, darling,” said the woman.
“I’ve not. I have it right here with me, sweetie. Bye!” said the man. He waved his hand and ambled down the road. The Puffer slapped his hand to his forehead in frustration.
“Damn! Camembert and his chef look nearly identical! That is so cliché!” exclaimed the Puffer.
“Well, that’s what Hollywood is, ain’t it? You don’t sell movies or tabloids without being cliché,” said Celeberus in such a normal voice, that the Puffer nearly dropped his phone in surprise before checking the speaker volume.
“WELL, GET OVER TO ALPINE GULCH, YOU IMBECILE!” broadcasted Celeberus, reaching new heights of intensity. The Puffer jumped and clutched his ear violently, this time really dropping his cellphone.
After a few callisthenic exercises, he had recovered and was back to his usual self again. After thinking for about 30 seconds, he took out his PDA and started editing his entries.
“Camembert Cheddar is the star of maybe the greatest romantic epics of our era such as Faithfully Yours and Till Death Do Us Part. But his chef does not seem to subscribe to his master’s highly loyal ideals. Yours truly caught him today, engaged in a passionate…”
(Concluded)
And so, our swift reporter soon reached the swank locality of Caerphilly and positioned himself right behind the rear wall of Camembert’s sprawling mansion – Das Käsehaus. He took out his half-chewed graphic pen and PDA. After looking around for a while he saw a brick in the wall which was very different from the others, due to it’s light orange colour. A closer look revealed several of them, clustered together. McYuri (aka the Puffer) started scribbling:
“The star of the ‘highly acclaimed’ Mega Monster series, may be a ‘perfectionist’ on screen, but can be pretty sloppy off it. The rear wall of his mansion, littered with discoloured bricks is a standing example of this. Further investigation revealed that he had crashed into this wall in his Chevre after a night of especially wild drinking and hence the hasty repair job, before people got too curious. But couldn’t hide it from us, could you Cheddie ol’ boy?”
The Puffer was looking intently at the nearby poster. It was for the sequel to Big Bad Computer Generated Monsters 2 (BBCGM 2), titled ‘BBCGM 4: Did we forget something?’ The Puffer was trying to figure out why the poster was bothering him when he heard the grating sound of gates being opened.
The lean, muscled figure of Camembert Cheddar emerged from the august rear-gates of the Käsehaus. A small stray dog followed him, and was in turn followed closely by that Sultan of scandal, McYuri. The Puffer wrote:
“Camembert Cheddar is known for fighting horrendous monsters onscreen, but offscreen he’s a bit of a softie actually. Only this morning he was spotted playing along with an exotic Chinese dog of the Cheesehuahua species. In retrospect, it kind of fits his ‘dogged’ image, doesn’t it?”
“Walk along, Cheddie boy. I’m just getting warmed up,” whispered the Puffer.
Camembert walked along Farmstead Avenue for a mile or so until he reached a small rowhouse. He opened the gates and walked in nonchalantly. A blonde petite woman rushed out, let out a small scream and jumped right into his arms smothering his face with kisses. Camembert was only too eager to reciprocate.
The crown prince of gossip nearly dropped his PDA in his excitement and started puffing his cheeks in and out. Like a predator, he edged closer and closer slowly moving in for the kill. Camembert and the woman walked into the house and shut the door.
McYuri quickly unsheathed his secret weapon, the same one that had brought many a celebrity down to his/her knees, begging forgiveness – the super-slomo-high-fidelity-mega-zoom camera. And he had a really advanced one too. It could sneak around corners and was even rumoured to take photographs through concrete walls. The Puffer, however wanted a clear shot catching Camembert in the act. He looked at the back of his camera and chuckled quietly at the irony of the camera’s high fidelity feature, when it had been responsible for so many instances of infidelity, even when none existed.
Shocking news!!! (which you expected all along anyway)
Camembert Cheddar, the star of the greatest romantic epics of our era such as Faithfully Yours and Till Death Do Us Part, was surprisingly caught in an intimate embrace followed by an afternoon of marathon love-making with an unidentified woman. This was followed by a sauna, a shower, and some other unspeakable activities, which our highly moral newspaper cannot print (‘cos we’ve run out of paper and ideas).
The small messages in the brackets were McYuri’s personal comments, which would obviously be deleted in the main article. He needed a photograph now and that doyen of daredevil photography was considering the ways he could get into the house. He saw a weedy, dishevelled tramp shuffling along the road and stopped him.
“Hey! Hey you! D’you know who lives here?” asked McYuri.
“Go screw yourself, you stupid dork!” said the tramp, clearly not in a helpful mood as he trudged away down the road.
“Hmm, must be one of those out-of-work actors. Anyway, let’s see…” thought the Puffer. Of course! He appended a few lines to the earlier piece.
“They’ve been at it like rabbits for some two years now. Wonder what poor Brie Cheddar will think,” said a friend, under condition of anonymity. “Bertie is a good and faithful human being and he sincerely wants to be a good husband, but he regrets that it’s not possible any longer. He still says that he loves Brie from the very bottom of his heart, but the rest of his heart has already been pledged to someone else,” said a close family friend. He added that the unidentified woman happened to be the love interest of up and coming star, Stephen Dork.”
Now, the story looked complete – except for the photograph. McYuri scouted all around the house and slowly started to scale the wall. He was nearly at the top when his cellphone rang loudly startling him. He fell off the wall and landed violently on his posterior.
“You blasted sonova*****! I was about to take the Pulitzer winner when you toppled me!”
“Oh, really?” came the low growl of Celeberus from the other end.
“Uh, I mean… I was… er… That bloody um… tramp, that stupid fool! I was scolding him… stupid people really…”
“Stop your dilly-dallying, you nimcompoop! What are you doing in Caerphilly?” hollered Celeberus, causing the McYuri to hold the cellphone one-foot away from his ear. “Cheddar is shooting his latest movie at Alpine Gulch! And you, being the halfwit that you are! Trying to get insignificant awards like the Pulitzer! What are you photographing? Mould growing on cheese?”
“That’s impossible! Cheddar is right here! I’ve got a big scoop already. Cheddar in an extramarital affair! In broad daylight with this dishy looking broad!”
At that exact moment, the man whom the Puffer was following, walked out of the house. “Don’t forget your chef’s hat, darling,” said the woman.
“I’ve not. I have it right here with me, sweetie. Bye!” said the man. He waved his hand and ambled down the road. The Puffer slapped his hand to his forehead in frustration.
“Damn! Camembert and his chef look nearly identical! That is so cliché!” exclaimed the Puffer.
“Well, that’s what Hollywood is, ain’t it? You don’t sell movies or tabloids without being cliché,” said Celeberus in such a normal voice, that the Puffer nearly dropped his phone in surprise before checking the speaker volume.
“WELL, GET OVER TO ALPINE GULCH, YOU IMBECILE!” broadcasted Celeberus, reaching new heights of intensity. The Puffer jumped and clutched his ear violently, this time really dropping his cellphone.
After a few callisthenic exercises, he had recovered and was back to his usual self again. After thinking for about 30 seconds, he took out his PDA and started editing his entries.
“Camembert Cheddar is the star of maybe the greatest romantic epics of our era such as Faithfully Yours and Till Death Do Us Part. But his chef does not seem to subscribe to his master’s highly loyal ideals. Yours truly caught him today, engaged in a passionate…”
(Concluded)
# posted by Ashish : 12:19 pm
