Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Stuff that doesn't make sense to me
Here’s a compilation of stuff that doesn’t make sense to me. Yeah, read the fine print. To me. If any of you can explain these things to me, please do. I need not agree of course:
Picture this. You’ve been working all day (or been jobless, whatever) and at night after dinner you’d like to relax a little, right? By watching people cry?
Simple. They head to Oprah or Smriti Irani or any of the other celebrated agony aunts on television nowadays. Why though?
Oprah: “There, there…”
How the hell?
The traditional cookery shows involved a chef standing in a kitchen and showing us how to cook a dish or two. But nowadays, you’ve got a dummy beside the chef who generally nods his/her head and goes oh-I-see for everything the chef does.
Chef: “Now I add garam masala to the ice-cream batter…”
Dummy (with a serious knowledgeable look on his face): “Oh I see, I see…”
And at the end after sampling the ice-cream,
Dummy (looking like a bird that’s just swallowed a plate): “Umm, aah, marvellous… aap ki haath ki bani cheez to hamesha lajawaab hoti hai.”
Allright, so maybe most of the time the dishes are actually good. But why do we need a lackey in VJ attire to testify to this? Surely they’ll have to be paid nicely and this would increase production costs right? Does it really bring in those TRPs?
4. More soaps
More soaps, this time the saas-bahu sagas that seem to be everybody’s favourite. There are two distinct types, ones that don’t start with ‘K’ (and suck miserably as a result) and the ones that start with ‘K’ (suck even worse… and are always misspelt).
Trademarks include a super-hard-working-ever-helpful-perfect bahu who is usually the main character. But as the old Peruvian proverb goes: “Bahu must have evil strapless-blouse-wearing-bindi-toting co-bahu as enemy” And there are even awards for these categories called the Star Parivaar Awards or something. Of course, the characters never age even after 15-20 years have passed. People die suddenly allowing a couple of episodes devoted to mourning. And around 90% of them reappear after plastic-surgery. The most unbearable feature in my opinion are the thunderclaps, explosions and other godawful sound effects that ensue after ‘dramatic’ dialogues.
Youngster with gel-in-hair: “Nahi!” (12 tonnes of RDX destroy the neighbourhood)
Father (of around the same age as son): “Kya!” (gazillion tonnes of TNT destroy what’s left of the city followed by a slap that sails one foot wide of the son and repeats itself thrice to the embarassment of the stunt choreographers)
5. And now for something completely different - the bicycle stand
Why the hell is there a yellow sign at the DAV Gopalapuram entrance saying ‘Parking for Gill Nagar students’? Gill Nagar to the best of my knowledge is miles away from the ‘hallowed portals’ of DAV Gopalapuram. And while we’re at it, where is the mythical and forbidden ‘Santosh Bar’ which the Princi mentioned? And how did we sit through those ridiculous GVC classes without bursting out in laughter? How did I spend 2 years there?!?!?
6. Kill Bill
Will someone tell me what Tarantino’s trying to convey apart from the fact that squished eyeballs, cut-off arms and rivers of blood are pretty funny (maybe that was the intention) to watch?
7. Sooraj Barjatya and Karan Johar are amongst Bollywood’s respected directors
Sooraj Barjatya once released a movie that made me amputate all my limbs and chew my hair. It was this ghastly piece of work called Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon. Why do they allow crap like this to be released? And why do people force their cousins to sit with them and watch it in a locked room? And I’m not even starting on Karan ‘Koffee-drinking-tosser’ Johar for fear of continuing this blog for another two pages. Suffice it to say that the Indian film industry, in my opinion, could gain more respect if he were to vaporize suddenly (hope springs eternal).
How people can listen to this monstrosity called Death Metal is beyond me. How could somebody seriously listen to a band that calls itself Cannibal Corpse or Cattle Decapitation or Cannibal Holocaust? And has a singer that belches and grunts all the while as videos of people ‘devoured by vermin’ are shown?
On a completely related note, if you like singers yowling and jumping about to two chords and two notes on the bass, then nu-metal is for you. It’s quite pathetic. Dunno how people like it.
9. Front Page International News: Beyonce battling chocolate addiction
Other samples of such international news include Jennifer Aniston moving her house near Courtney Cox and Paris Hilton upto no good. The Times also likes featuring several other pointless articles. Case in point being an article that laments about what it would be like if Bogart didn’t have his cigarette in Casablanca, 0r if Sharon Stone didn’t have one in Basic Instinct, or if Clint ‘Dirty Harry’ Eastwood didn’t smoke. It’s time someone told them that the ban didn’t extend to movies made abroad. And why does the Ahmedabad Times supplement have to provide photographs of arbit people dancing at one of the myriad party plots of Ahmedabad on Page 3 everyday?
And... How come Arvind Rangavajulla is in his pressed shirt and pants at 4 in the morning, when I am yet to crash? Did you know that he has bunked, if my source of information is to be believed, only one class in all his stay at IIT?
Ya... And Malarvizhi sure merited a mention in the DAV part... However did she become a teacher? "Malarvizhee! Arrvind Theeyaagaraajan knows more than you!'" "Yess, sir."
Actually, the list is endless... Why'd you stop with 10?!?
: 7:19 pmBut yeah, I see your point... a lot of the beauty of music lies in how you perceive it. To each his own.
No, they don't sing about devoured by vermin. Those bands you named have some of the most childish lyrical themes in the genre. There definitely is better music out there, and you just haven't heard of it.
Ram
: 8:23 amIt was new though, I never thought Oprah and other talk shows were so incredibly artificial, maybe cos I never actually followed them. But I suppose you are right.
Yeah I also used to wonder why Indian women find pleasure at other Indian women's torture...atleast that's better than really torturing other women right? [like how it happens in real households]
Yeah cooking dummies are also useless. We do lot of useless stuff, I'm sure guys would never get sore looking at another dumb chick on television trying to impress the producer but ends up as a fantasy in the minds of other men.
Well what is "useful" anyway. You wrote about useless stuff....what's the guarantee that the supposedly "useful" stuff that we do aren't actually useless? Like going to school, work, trying to find your "soulmate" etc etc. What's the "use" in anything when all that we know is what goes on in our lifetime and on this earth? So must we rant about useful and useless stuffs when it's all useless or when we don't know if it's useless or useful?
: 8:52 pmI read through the last para of your comment three times and couldn't understand it. Anyway, the rant was about stuff that didn't make sense to me. What seems 'useless' to me, may be 'useful' to someone else, I guess.
: 8:29 pm1. People love to wallow in misery because it either gives them satisfaction that their lives are better than those they see on-screen, or because it gives them conversation fodder. My particular living situation has enabled me to unwittingly be silent witness to endless conversations picking apart the motivations, desires and ideas of the characters depicted in these soaps. 'Reading' a character right gives them the same satisfaction as 'reading' a real person right. Obviously, it suffers from the same draw-backs, but that's beside the point.
2. Oprah is the public's favourite shoulder to cry on. She's a clever lady, from what I gather - taking advantage of an oft-repressed human need to 'spill your guts', so to speak, and 'talk it out' and 'feel better'. *wink* Oh, and she gives out free stuff on every show.
3. You need someone 'personifying' the audience's reaction to whatever's the dish, for the viewers to relate to later on when they actually try the recipe. "See, Sun TV-la XOXO said, 'Asal-a irukku!', which means there has to be something to it," is the subconscious registration, regardless of whether they realize that these people are paid to make 'Yummy' noises and so on.
4. Indeed, the same incredulous tone applies to most local movies I've watched, as well. They need to stretch on the story for at least 2 more seasons, no? *wink* The reason these themes of "Saas-Bahu" are so popular is because they take the elemental possessiveness-conflict between normal humans in these roles, and portray them in ways that wouldn't be considered acceptable in 'reality'. Either party watching feels vindicated by any favourable turn of events, and finds great pleasure in expressing empathy when the situation is reversed. Oh, it also serves as more conversation fodder. You definitely should try listening in on one of those 'dissecting' discussions - they are most sublimely boring yet mesmerizing.
5. Ah, um, I wouldn't know about DAV, now... *grin*
6. Kill Bill I/II was in-your-face ludicrous, with all that spurting blood and mimicking of these old Kung-Fu movies with the fancy moves and the serious-sounding philosophy talk and the whole 'Asian mysticism is so down!' aura about the whole thing. Eye candy, I say.
7. I recently received 'feedback' on "KANK" (Ugh, abbreviations as if the movie is this 'hep and happening' thing that everyone talks about so often it needs to be shortened). I've watch K2H2, and I've heard about K3G (Aargh, they're everywhere!). They sound to me like extensions of those soaps you were criticizing earlier. Oh, for what it's worth, same cousins who force items of exotic-yet-supposedly-edible nature down your throat? *wink*
8. Now these genres aren't particularly on the top of my playlist, but I must admit to have been quite surprised to see quite a few bands that were listed on Wikipedia under 'Nu Metal', when I looked them up just now. Linkin Park, Korn, Disturbed, Drowning Pool, Saliva? Now I would term those music, at least quite a few samples of their work, anyway. I agree when you refer to bands like StaticX and Slipknot that, um, just growl, or whatever, but even they have at least a handful of creations you can term 'music' in some realm of definition of said term. So, like you've already concluded, to each his own, and that's all. However weird.
9. Page 3... Now, what was that about "The Simple Life" with Hilton, as well? I think a lot of people like to see the, uh, 'human' sides to celebrities (or something of the sort), and a lot of people do enjoy talking about the who's who who came to some who's party.
Um, wait, scratch that, I lost my train of 'thought', which just means I was BS-ing all along. I'm out on a limb trying to thinking of something credible, but, again, that's my not-very-divergent perspective making an attempt. There are people who enjoy most of what you've listed (Maybe even pointless cycle-stands...), and that should be the end of that. Interesting rant, though. *smiles*
P.S. Long comment for long post, um... *auto-excuses her own verbal incontinence*
: 10:23 am1. I repeat. Seriously, where's the fun in watching the same old plots and the same old characters over and over again? Is it really nice conversation fodder to talk about the same wine in slightly different bottles everytime? Why doesn't anybody want to try anything new? I understand that it's risky and the public may not like it and all, but is making money and sticking to the same stuff all these people care about? Is that really why they are in the entertainment business? Plus, I feel there is something really wrong with us if we can keep watching people crying over and over again on screen and enjoy it... I mean, how much self-assuaging does one really need?!?
2. Umm, National Television?!?! Again its the same 'watching other people cry' thing again. Only this time its real. Seriously, why would ANYBODY want to watch other people suffering on television (especially if they're real)? Isn't that a form of gloating which the television industry is sanctioning?
As for the people who approach Oprah, if they're not even in the least embarassed about all this and really see this as they best way to solve their problems... well, to each his own I say.
3. Point taken. Looks like we're becoming more and more of a people who want to be made to 'feel good' with such measures.
4. Same as 1. And if you've ever seen one of these Hindi soaps, you'll know how dizzying those camera flips and rotations are. It's almost like you're stuck in a washing machine with faces around you...
5. Still unanswered.
6. I have retracted all my views about Kill Bill. It's ludicrous, it's gory and all. But somehow... captivating. No one. And I mean no one, etches out characters and writes dialogues like Tarantino does. And yes, that's just my opinion. I am not asking anybody else to agree with it.
7. One day if I ever meet Karan Johar , I'm gonna ask him this: "Don't you have enough money already? Can't you put your excellent rapport with all the top stars in Bollywood to better use by actually not screwing up a movie with Amitabh Bachchan, Shahrukh Khan, Abhishek Bachchan etc. in it? " (Hypothetically speaking of course, I probably wouldn't ask him any of this at all) Again several arguments in (1) hold true here... and I can probably understand why people enjoy these. But HOW can they enjoy it? That's still a standing question.
8. Repetitive. Cacophonous. Uninspiring. Plain unpleasant (in the case of Death Metal). And yet again we come to the atomic level of the debate running through the entire post. Tastes differ.
9. Retracted opinion about ToI. ToI is ok. Page 3 is not. Page 4 is interesting sometimes (I'm human after all). And the Hindu sucks. Especially ever since they've decided to put this guy with a blue turban on the front page, six days out of seven.
PS: Mademoiselle, you're indeed jobless :) Your comment was longer than some posts I've read...
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